Growing up in a conservative Irish Catholic household, Ita O’Brien never imagined her career would one day involve directing actors on how to simulate intimacy on screen—right down to mimicking an orgasm.
In a family where even menstruation was a taboo subject, the idea of discussing sex, let alone choreographing it for film and TV, would’ve seemed completely out of bounds.
But life had other plans. Today, O’Brien is one of the most respected intimacy coordinators in the entertainment industry, with a career built on helping actors navigate the most vulnerable scenes with care, communication, and consent.
Turning Awkward Scenes Into Authentic Moments
O’Brien’s mission is all about authenticity. Her approach to sex scenes is deeply thoughtful—she believes they should be as real and emotionally rich as they are erotic.
For her, intimacy on screen isn’t just about the climax, but the slow and careful build-up.
She knows that a woman’s body, for instance, typically needs time—around 20 minutes, by her count—to truly prepare for intercourse.
Even if a show can’t show that full timeline, she insists the pace should still feel gradual and respectful.
In her book Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires, she takes her work off the screen and into our lives.
Think of it as a behind-the-scenes guide for navigating real-life intimacy—with practical, emotional, and sometimes spiritual tips to help us better connect with ourselves and each other.
The Intimacy Behind “Normal People”
O’Brien’s work on Normal People—the hit BBC series starring Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones—is perhaps her most celebrated.
Viewers were mesmerized by the tender, realistic portrayal of young love and sex.
In one memorable scene, Connell asks Marianne, “Are you sure you want this?” and reassures her, “If it hurts, I’ll stop.”
It was a rare moment of vulnerability and care on screen, and it resonated deeply with audiences, especially during lockdown when many were reflecting on their first loves.
O’Brien knew this scene was special—it reminded people of the awkwardness, beauty, and emotional intensity of early relationships. It wasn’t just sexy; it was human.
Before Intimacy Coordinators, It Was Chaos
The idea of coordinating intimacy is still fairly new in the entertainment world.
Before professionals like O’Brien were involved, directors often left actors to fend for themselves. Actress Gemma Whelan described sex scenes in Game of Thrones as chaotic and uncomfortable.
The instructions were often crude—“bit of boob biting, then slap her bum and go!”—leaving actors exposed and unsupported.
Swedish actress Sofia Helin recalled feeling pressured to cross personal boundaries for the sake of a director’s vision, and Dakota Johnson has said she felt completely unprotected while filming Fifty Shades of Grey. Clearly, something had to change.
The Four Pillars of Respectful Intimacy
O’Brien’s approach rests on four key principles: open communication, mutual agreement and consent, clear choreography, and closure.
Her sessions often begin with grounding techniques like deep breathing to help actors become present in their bodies and aware of each other’s energy.
One exercise involves placing your right hand on your partner’s heart, then your left hand on top of theirs.
It may sound a little spiritual (especially with the talk of chakras and energy flows), but the goal is simple—building trust and connection.
A Guide for Real-Life Intimacy, Not Just Acting
Beyond the film set, O’Brien wants her readers to apply these same principles to their everyday relationships.
Her advice includes everything from practicing self-love affirmations in the mirror to gazing into your partner’s eyes for 60 seconds while sharing unspoken thoughts.
She encourages couples to be honest about what they want—and what they don’t—even when those conversations feel uncomfortable.
One of her bolder suggestions? Using a hand mirror to get to know your own vulva.
It’s part of understanding your own body and letting go of shame.
Embracing Variety and Redefining “Good” Sex
Not every sexual encounter has to lead to orgasm, O’Brien emphasizes.
She quotes therapist Linsey Blair, who suggests thinking of intimacy like a tapas meal—small bites, rather than one big three-course event.
Sometimes, the little gestures—a kiss, a gentle touch—can be more intimate than full-blown sex.
She calls this kind of routine affection “Tuesday sex,” something that helps couples stay connected in the long term.
It’s the opposite of the over-the-top, fantasy-driven sex portrayed in online porn.
And that’s exactly her point—real intimacy can be planned, simple, and still deeply satisfying.
Sex Without Intimacy—and Intimacy Without Sex
O’Brien’s book also reminds us that the two—sex and intimacy—don’t always go hand-in-hand. You can have one without the other.
But the best experiences, she argues, are built on respect, self-awareness, and communication.
And while she won’t come into your bedroom to coordinate things in person, this book might just be the next best thing.
In a world overloaded with unrealistic images of sex, Intimacy: A Field Guide is a gentle, honest invitation to reconnect—with yourself, your partner, and the deeper desires we often keep locked away.