A woman who believed she had finally met a man who ticked all the right boxes has been left questioning their future after he reacted badly when she refused to have sex with him.
Writing to agony aunt Jane Green, the woman explained that she had been dating the man for several weeks and had quickly developed strong feelings for him.
She described him as kind, funny and handsome, adding that they appeared to share similar values. Everything seemed to be progressing naturally, and she had already begun imagining a serious future together.
Their Dates Had Always Been Casual and Public
Until recently, their time together had largely involved conventional dates outside the home.
They had gone for coffee, dinner and drinks and had also spent time together at the cinema. Because their relationship was still relatively new, the woman said she had felt comfortable keeping things at that pace.
That changed when the man suggested coming to her home with a bottle of wine and cooking dinner for her.
For the woman, the invitation carried an obvious implication.
She anticipated that spending an evening together privately, particularly with alcohol involved, would likely lead to an expectation that they would become sexually intimate.
She Had a Personal Boundary About Sex
Although the woman made clear that she was not waiting until marriage before having sex, she said she had always preferred to become someone’s serious girlfriend before taking that step.
The couple had not yet defined their relationship or agreed to any formal labels.
Despite feeling uneasy, she agreed to have him over. However, rather than enjoying the evening, she spent much of it worrying about how she would respond if he made advances.
She eventually had to confront the situation she had been dreading.
The Conversation She Feared Eventually Happened
As expected, the man made it clear that he wanted the evening to become intimate.
The woman told him that she genuinely liked him but was not yet comfortable having sex.
She had expected him to be disappointed but believed he would nevertheless respect her decision.
Instead, his response left her stunned.
According to the woman, he immediately got up from the sofa and told her that her refusal to sleep with him after several weeks of dating was a dealbreaker.
He then left.
She Is Still Considering Giving Him What He Wants
Despite the man’s reaction, the woman admitted that she remains reluctant to end the relationship.
In her eyes, he is otherwise everything she has been looking for, and she believes the relationship could potentially develop into something serious.
That has left her wondering whether she should abandon her own boundary and have sex with him simply because it is what he wants.
Jane Green Urges Her Not to Ignore the Warning Sign
Jane Green told the woman that she should not feel pressured to become sexually intimate with someone before she feels ready.
Green argued that the man’s reaction had revealed something important about his expectations and character.
She pointed out that people often present their best selves during the early stages of dating, but their actions can eventually reveal more than their words.
In Green’s view, the woman’s decision not to have sex was not something she should regret.
Respect for Boundaries Is Central to a Healthy Relationship
Green said the woman’s instinct to wait until she knew the man better and understood where their relationship stood was reasonable.
She also questioned the circumstances surrounding his invitation to her home, arguing that his subsequent reaction suggested that sex may have been a significant motivation for him.
Rather than changing her boundaries to keep the relationship alive, Green encouraged the woman to pay attention to what had happened.
The Agony Aunt’s Message: Don’t Settle for Pressure
Green’s advice was ultimately that the woman should let the relationship go rather than compromising her own values in an attempt to keep the man.
She argued that a suitable partner would respect her boundaries and would not make affection or continued dating conditional on sex.
According to Green, finding the right relationship can involve meeting several unsuitable people along the way.
Her final message to the woman was reassuring: she had not ruined anything by saying no.
Instead, she had learned something significant about the man before becoming more deeply involved with him.
