Almost everyone advised me to find “mom pals” when I relocated from Los Angeles to Oregon. Relocation is usually regarded as one of the most stressful life events, so this repeated reminder to build relationships sounded more like an order than a suggestion.
It is also a chore I am just beginning to complete, one year after moving into my new residence. As a full-time mother of two boys, ages 4 and almost 2, I have had so many other things to prioritize.
It’s simple to persuade moms that they need companionship, just as it’s simple to urge parents to schedule date evenings, despite the fact that Mom will likely be responsible for all the organizing that goes into a single evening out.
I have the phone numbers of local mothers who want to socialize, but gathering the children at a time that doesn’t conflict with naps, school, or work is a totally different challenge. When trying to keep your children safe in strange surroundings, it is also difficult to have a meaningful dialogue. I would have to coordinate a great deal of daycare if I wanted to have a get-together without the children present, which is a long-term goal but unlikely.
My oldest child has autism
I’m also hesitant to “bring the kids together” with new mom acquaintances because I don’t know how each interaction will play out. My four-year-old son, who was diagnosed with autism spectrum condition six months ago, is verbal but speaks little unless he is comfortable.
Recently, he identified a classmate for the first time since our move to Oregon. The realization that this child was genuine and not a fictional figure from one of my son’s favorite television programs gave me so much hope. But when we visited his friend’s house, my child broke down. He was bewildered by the location, which he believed was a secret entrance to school and that he had been misled into going on the weekend. He screamed for perhaps twenty minutes until we all ran outside and got into the pool. Everyone went on, but I believe our new acquaintances were surprised by our appearance.
He is also unpredictable in public. I never know when a flying insect or statue would provoke him to the point where he will attempt to run into a busy street. When I observe parents speaking as their children play freely on playground equipment, I feel envious because I am not yet able to comfortably stand back.
I’m closer to my grandma than to other mothers.
Fortunately, my son’s friend and his family are eager to continue seeing us. I’ve also made connections with grandparents through random encounters at the park, at baby music class, and the gym. Moms my age are in the same position as I am, and it might be depressing to share horror stories about sleeping battles, potty training failures, and tantrums while these areas of our lives are still so fresh and will continue to be so for a considerable time.
When folks told me to find my “mom circle,” I believe they had a very different idea in mind than what I’m nurturing. Since their children are grown, the mothers I admire most are tranquil company. I guess I’m seeking for evidence that it’s possible to overcome parental exhaustion and emerge calm enough to want to help raise your grandchildren and reassure young mothers that they’re doing OK.
