I’ve always been someone who thinks sex is one of life’s best parts — that first glimpse of skin, those private moments when no one’s watching, and that warm glow afterward.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if it’s what makes life really worth living.
So when I heard about a writer who decided to give up sex, dating, and even flirting for a whole year, I was floored.
Like, seriously? Voluntarily swearing off orgasms? For what — enlightenment? It sounded bonkers to me.
Meet Melissa Febos: The Woman Who Took a Year Off from Dating and Sex
Melissa Febos, author of The Dry Season, made this bold choice after coming out of a toxic relationship in her 30s.
She realized she wasn’t just sad about a breakup — she was mourning a whole way of living that wasn’t working anymore.
“I was always in love, or a crush, or obsessed,” she told me.
“It was a kind of addiction. I needed to detox.”
So she hit pause on everything romantic — no swiping on apps, no daydreaming about strangers, not even flirting.
Honestly, I’d rather give up a kidney than that kind of triple lockdown.
What Happened When She Stopped Dating
Surprisingly, Melissa didn’t become miserable.
Instead, she found herself with so much extra time — time she used to dance, cook, soak in baths, and simply enjoy her own company.
“It was like I was dating myself, and I loved it,” she said.
At first, I couldn’t help but wonder how much chaos Melissa’s dating life had caused if stepping back meant suddenly having the energy for basic self-care.
But it wasn’t the sex or dating itself — it was the emotional exhaustion behind it all: overthinking, performing, trying to fit a mold.
“I thought I was being loving, but I was really just putting on a show to be loved,” she admitted. “I wasn’t honest about what I wanted.”
Finding Herself Beyond the Noise of Romance
With all the noise turned off, Melissa finally heard herself clearly.
She discovered joy in simple pleasures: fuzzy socks and old movies, snack plates with cheese and pickles, dressing for no one but herself.
“It was like my neglected inner child finally got to take the wheel,” she said.
One tough lesson she learned was that she’d spent years having sex she didn’t really want — not because someone forced her, but out of guilt.
“I felt like saying no too much made me a bad partner,” she said.
“So I just did it to avoid disappointing anyone.”
A New Way of Loving and Being Loved
Now happily married to a woman, Melissa and her wife approach intimacy differently.
They even take “pleasure sabbaticals” where they focus on closeness without sex — sometimes just cuddling naked or talking deeply.
“It’s about presence, not deprivation,” she explained.
“Sometimes that feels even more intimate than sex ever was.”
What I Took Away From Melissa’s Story
Talking with Melissa didn’t make me want to give up sex — not at all.
But it did make me stop and think: what parts of my own life drain me or disconnect me from myself?
For me, it’s a terrible habit of choosing emotionally unavailable men and hoping to fix them. That’s my chaos, not my chemistry.
I realized I don’t need to give up sex to grow spiritually.
I just need to stop chasing the wrong kind of relationships.
Breaking Up With Chaos, Not Sex
Maybe for some, the key isn’t celibacy — it’s consciousness.
It’s about recognizing that butterflies don’t justify burning yourself out.
Melissa used celibacy to reclaim her power. For me, it’s about saying no more to emotionally unavailable men.
No more red flags ignored because I’m hopeful or infatuated.
I’m done trying to fix people who don’t want to be fixed.
Enlightenment doesn’t always come from abstinence — sometimes it comes from saying, “I’m done doing this to myself.”
Here’s to Orgasms with Emotionally Available Partners
So, I’m keeping the sex, but I’m ditching the drama.
And I’m holding out for men who can actually meet me emotionally.
Because they’re out there, right?