Last spring, I found myself in a rather surreal situation—taking high doses of magic mushrooms with a group of women I’d known for less than 48 hours.
We were in the Netherlands, where magic mushrooms are legally consumed in the form of truffles.
This wasn’t a wild night out or a party in full swing.
Instead of drinks and sequins, we were dressed in comfortable leisurewear, lying down on gym mats for a psychedelic therapy session.
It was, to say the least, a far cry from the usual escapades you’d expect with such a powerful substance.
A New Approach to Therapy
The purpose of this retreat wasn’t about getting high for fun; we were all there to explore something much deeper.
This was psychedelic-assisted therapy, designed to help us reconnect with ourselves and find clarity in life.
As a 51-year-old woman navigating life after divorce, I found myself yearning for answers—answers to why my life had felt so directionless and why I seemed stuck in the aftereffects of both my marriage and my menopausal journey.
The therapy uses psychedelics like psilocybin, the active compound in magic mushrooms, as a tool to unlock the deepest recesses of the mind.
Other substances such as ayahuasca and San Pedro are also used in such therapies.
Despite its illegal status in the UK, psychedelic therapy is on the rise in places like the Netherlands, and it’s attracting people like me, especially women in midlife, searching for a way to make sense of their experiences.
Reconnecting with Myself After Divorce
Divorce hit me hard in 2020. At 47, I found myself questioning everything about who I was.
I realized how much my marriage, motherhood, and menopause had shaped my identity, and not necessarily in the best ways.
Life felt mundane, like I was constantly bouncing between challenges that never seemed to end.
My 13-year marriage collapsed, and my teenaged daughter was becoming more independent, further pulling away.
This combination left me feeling uncertain and confused about my purpose.
That overwhelming sense of loss, coupled with the hormonal chaos of menopause, pushed me to want to shake things up, to do something radically different.
And after my divorce, I threw myself into dating, but it didn’t feel right.
I kept finding fault with every man I met, questioning my worth and wondering why relationships were so challenging.
The Turning Point: A Psychedelic Retreat
It was during a date (who I ultimately didn’t click with) that I first heard about psychedelic retreats.
He spoke about their therapeutic effects and how they could help with emotional healing, and even though our relationship didn’t work out, the idea stuck with me.
I started researching and, for every horror story I found, there were countless positive accounts of life-changing experiences. That’s when I decided to take the plunge.
With a mix of excitement and anxiety, I booked a five-day retreat at Venwoude, located just north of Utrecht, in May 2024.
Would this experience offer me the answers I desperately sought, or would I lose myself in the process?
A Group of Women, A Shared Journey
At the retreat, I joined eight other women who were there for various reasons: dealing with anxiety, healing past trauma, or even just seeking clarity in their lives.
For me, the goal was clear: I wanted to address my menopausal rage, the frustrations with past relationships, and explore new paths for connecting with others.
At psychedelic retreats like this one, magic mushrooms are referred to as “medicine,” and the facilitators aren’t wearing white coats but instead flowing white dresses.
The doses are significant—far beyond the small amount you’d encounter in casual settings.
I was given 4 grams, nearly the maximum allowed.
This amount was far from something you could just “come down” from quickly. Fortunately, I was surrounded by experienced professionals: a doctor, a somatic therapist, a musician, a yoga instructor, and a shaman who all helped guide the process with kindness and expertise.
The Ceremony and Facing My Demons
During the ceremonies, we were asked to stay still on our mats and refrain from engaging with the other participants.
It wasn’t about distractions; it was about diving deep into our inner selves.
The experience was intense.
One participant felt as if she were dying during her session, while another thought she was in the process of giving birth.
Tears were shed in abundance, and for some of us, it felt like facing our worst fears.
My own ceremony began with an overwhelming sensation of falling, like I was descending into a deep abyss.
It wasn’t frightening at first, but once I hit the bottom, I encountered all the emotional baggage from my past—old regrets, unresolved pain, and memories that were hard to face.
But then, something incredible happened.
An Epiphany in the Depths of My Mind
A few months before the retreat, I had reconnected with an ex who had left me 30 years ago to travel to Australia.
Our renewed relationship was still fragile, but during my session, I felt his presence as if he was there to rescue me.
As I confronted the demons of my past, he reassured me, saying we had a bright future together, helping me see that my fears were rooted in old wounds.
That moment felt like an epiphany—a sign that I could trust him again.
Once those demons were confronted, I experienced a surge of joy, almost as if I had been lifted to a higher plane.
Everything felt incredibly pure, free from the trivial concerns of everyday life.
The Transformation and Newfound Clarity
When I returned to my room, still in the afterglow of the experience, I impulsively sent a message to my partner.
It was an outpouring of emotion that I thought I might regret, but when I woke up the next day, I felt lighter, full of optimism, and ready to embrace the relationship fully.
I’d learned to trust him—and myself.
The experience wasn’t easy. It was emotionally and mentally challenging. Yet, in the aftermath, I felt renewed and unburdened, like I had released a lifetime of weight off my shoulders.
The Growing Popularity of Psychedelic Therapy
Psychedelic therapy is becoming more mainstream, with a growing market, especially among women seeking emotional and spiritual healing.
Despite the legal hurdles, the industry is expected to grow significantly, with retreats like those at Venwoude thriving.
Women-only psychedelic retreats are also on the rise, offering a safe, supportive space for women in various stages of life, especially during transitional periods like menopause.
The Aftermath: A Rewired Brain and Renewed Outlook
In the weeks that followed, I felt an undeniable shift in my perspective.
My brain seemed to be rewiring itself, making even the simplest tasks feel like a challenge at first.
But the sense of serenity and clarity that followed was well worth it.
I felt a deep sense of joy in even the smallest moments—biking through spring sunshine, smiling at strangers, and reconnecting with the world in ways I hadn’t before.
I also noticed that the constant self-criticism that had plagued me for years seemed to dissipate.
Creativity flowed more easily, and I began to work on a novel that had stalled for months.
It felt as though the new connections in my brain were helping me piece together the parts of my story in a way I hadn’t anticipated.
Life, too, felt simpler and more magical, as if the layers of emotional armor I had built up over the years were finally peeling away.
The Risks and Rewards of Psychedelic Therapy
While my experience was transformative, psychedelic therapy isn’t without risks.
There have been reports of poorly run retreats leading to harmful experiences, and the high cost of well-run retreats means not everyone can access this kind of therapy safely.
It’s essential to choose a reputable retreat that offers proper screening and support throughout the process.
Despite the risks, I believe that psychedelics have the potential to help people work through deep emotional and psychological issues.
The retreat I attended was costly, but it provided the therapeutic support needed to ensure the process was safe and meaningful.
A Life Transformed
Now, several months later, I still feel the impact of that experience.
My life feels richer, more purposeful, and I’ve reconnected with parts of myself I thought were long gone.
I’m in a healthier relationship, and I’ve learned to appreciate the small moments of joy that life offers.
Will I do it again? Perhaps. For now, I continue to nourish my mind with supplements like lion’s mane and cordyceps to maintain the clarity and energy I’ve gained.
And every day, I’m reminded of the transformative power of that retreat—where a group of women, a few magic mushrooms, and some deep emotional work helped me rediscover my purpose and embrace a new chapter in my life.
This article was published on TDPel Media. Thanks for reading!
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