Okay, so I woke up this morning, and I realized that there’s a lot going on in my head that I haven’t really shared with anyone really. And, and I’ve had tons of opportunities, Oprah interviews, to go on a platform and, and share hardships and or just really anything that’s going on in my mind. And I really don’t think any of that is relevant to getting paid to tell your story, I feel like it’s kind of silly. So I’m, I’m here, honestly, just to open myself to others and try to shed a light on if anyone out there has ever gone through hardships or whatever it is just to put a light on it. And so that person doesn’t feel alone, because I really know what that feels like.
I haven’t honestly shared this openly, too, as well, because I’ve always been scared of the judgement. And definitely the embarrassment of just of the whole thing, period. And the skepticism and the cynical people have what and their opinions of what people would actually think I do think I’m in a place now, where I’m a little bit more confident that I can be willing to share openly my thoughts and what I’ve been through because I haven’t really had that outlet to share completely openly, for so long, just scared of judgments, thoughts of other people and what they think or what they may say. And I think it’s crucial, from my heart and my head to be able to speak openly about it as if anyone else would. Well, the actual conservatorship actually started, I think, 15 or 16 years ago, I was 25.
When it started, I was extremely young. I remember a lot of my friends texting me and calling me and we’re extremely close, and they wanted to see me but by what had happened, honestly, still, to this day, don’t know what really I did. But the punishment of my father, I wasn’t able to, you know, see anyone or like anything. And you have to imagine none of it made sense to me. I literally spoken a British accent to a doctor to prescribe my medication. And three days later, there was a swap team in my home, Three helicopters. And I remember my mom’s best friend, and my two girlfriends we had asleep over the night before they held me down on their burner. And again, none of it made sense. Literally, the extent of my madness, was playing chess with when it was playing chase with paparazzi, which is still to this day, one of the most fun things I ever did about being famous. So I don’t know what was so harmful about that. But I remember my mom was sitting on the couch.
And she said, we’ve heard people are coming here today to talk to you. We should probably go, you know, to a hotel or something. And I never really understood what she meant. I didn’t believe her like as a lawyer coming here. Who is coming here. than four hours later, there were over 200 paparazzi outside my house videotaping me through a window of an ambulance holding me down on a groomer. I know now it was all premeditated. And a woman introduced the idea to my dad, and my mom actually helped him follow through and made it all happen. It was all basically set up. There was no drugs in my system, no alcohol, nothing. It was pure abuse. And I haven’t haven’t even really shared even half of it. I think the main thing I do remember when I was started was my dad’s control. He loved to control every thing I did. I remember the first he said, I’m Britney Spears, and I’m calling the shots and I’m like, Alrighty then. My brother was a football player.
And my dad was really, really hard on him when he was younger, really abusive. And I think when my mom gave him the idea for the conservatorship and his friend, I think he just really like regrouped it and made such a really, really overhauling big deal out of it. And it was just really too much. I remember him always being in the office. And my girlfriend was his assistant, and they would just stay in there all day with the door shut and I was never, ever able to leave or go anywhere. My first job after the two weeks of being hospitalized and completely traumatized out of my mind. I did a TV show called How I Met Your Mother. And then I started working on an album called circus I’m started working away right away.
All I do remember is I had to do what I was told. I was told I was fat every day I had to go to the gym, I had to just, and I’d never remember feeling so demoralized. And just, they made me feel like nothing. And I went along with it because I was scared. I was scared and fearful.
I didn’t even really do anything. And I had like a swap team and how like, none of it made sense to me. So since that day, I did probably four and a half tours, I did an album circus, Femme Fatale, Britney Jean and gory. And then I started doing a Vegas show and Las Vegas. And I did that for four and a half years. I do you remember working and I got to a point where, you know, because my pride and my 30s I have to live under my father’s rules. And you know, the dancers are playing and drinking and having fun at nights in Vegas. And I couldn’t do anything. And I remember just being like my performances. I know were horrible.
Like I even wore wigs and other dancers were doing all these nice sexy head flip turns and I had conditioner treatment and my hair and like these little caps over my head and just during a whole show getting conditioner treatments just with wigs on because I was just like a robot. Honestly, I just I didn’t give a f**k anymore. Because I couldn’t go where I wanted to go. I couldn’t have the nannies that I wanted to have. I couldn’t have cash. And it was just demoralizing. So I was kind of like an this conspiracy thing of people claiming and like treating me like a superstar.
But yet, they treated me like nothing. Well, for some reason, I started to get a spark back. I remember recording glory. And for some reason, I think producing and making music, I went to this little Spanish house and I got the fire back in my eyes, for some reason. And it was at the end of recording glory. And my son named it and things started kind of taking a turn because I started getting more confidence just for myself. And I think with confidence, people kind of like oh, wait, what, wait, what’s going on now, like she’s speaking up a little bit more. But it might not be particularly a good thing. If I’d been quiet for 15 years. I think with confidence comes enlightenment, which makes you think better. And that’s the last thing they wanted me to do was to actually be better. Cuz then who would be in control then. But it was really tricky because I had to just play this role that everything was okay all the time. And I had to go along with it because I knew they could hurt me.
So I’m sitting here like, like friends all drinking alcohol and having fun in these parties and had no cash. I literally felt like a nun. My girlfriend’s from home came to visit me in a spa and I couldn’t even walk into the spa and they had their feet doing pedicures in the water and the three ices of shampoo bottles of champagnes before my show just sitting there. And I wasn’t even acknowledged by them my own hometown friends when they would come to Vegas, and it was just it was demoralizing. I will say, you also have to understand it’s like, you know, 15 years of touring and doing shows. And I’m 30 years old under my dad’s rules.
And all of this is going on and my mom’s Whitney witnessing this. And my, my, my, my brother is Whitney, Whitney Houston and my friends are witnesses and they all go along with it. And I’m like, how am I the one working here doing all this, but I don’t get the side things that the good stuff, you know, I want to be able to play. I want to be able to have fun. Like, none of it made sense to me. Oh, the last show in Vegas ended 2000 I think 17 I went on tour tour I was forced to do but I was supposed to do a new show.
So the new show came along. I rehearsed I think maybe four days, which I don’t really remember. But I went to one of the rehearsals and I said no to a dance. And I was like No Can we do that? I don’t want to do this. And then they were just remember everything got really weird and quiet. And all the directors and producers went in the back room and just spoke. And that was it. And I was like well, I don’t know what’s going on. So we all just kind of like you know what happened and then the next day, I was told that I was had to be sent away to a facility and that I was supposed to say on my Instagram The reason why is because my dad is sick, and I need treatment which was I didn’t want to go ever Go there.
remember my dad calling me on the phone and I was crying. And I was like, why are you guys doing this? Like what? And I just remember him saying it’s, you have to listen to the doctors, the doctors are gonna tell you what to do, I can’t help you now. And I remember his last words were, now you don’t have to go. But if you don’t go, we’re gonna go go to court, and there’ll be a big trial, and you’re going to lose, I have way more people on my side than you, you don’t even have a lawyer. So they don’t even think of that. So I did it, I went to the place, I was scared out of my mind. And none of it again made any sense of what they were doing to me. And again, I haven’t wanted to share this because it’s unbelievably offensive, sad, abusive. And honestly, would anybody believe me?
I remember the main thing of when I was in that place that my heart felt like it was frozen, like it was stuck inside. I wanted to scream and I wanted to get out. And I think by a needle and thread, it was the breathing peacefully inward that I missed the most. I felt like I was in a state of shock. Almost like when a
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