Mary Earps, one of England’s most beloved goalkeepers, has spoken candidly about the darkest period of her life — a time when football, her passion and purpose, suddenly slipped away.
In her new book, All In: Football, Life and Learning to be Unapologetically Me, she opens up about the mental and emotional spiral that followed her being dropped from the England squad in 2020.
It’s been six months since her retirement from international football, and Earps is finally ready to share the full story — one that shows how even elite athletes can struggle when the game they love turns its back on them.
When Everything Fell Apart
Earps recalls the moment her world began to crumble.
In early 2020, on the eve of the Covid lockdown, then-England manager Phil Neville left her out of the national squad.
For the goalkeeper who had proudly earned 53 caps for her country, the exclusion was devastating.
“I wasn’t drinking myself into oblivion,” she writes, “but for someone who usually didn’t touch it at all, it felt too much and completely out of hand.
I’d never drunk like that in my life, but for now it was the perfect way of numbing, of not feeling — and that, I decided, was what I needed above all else.”
The Women’s Super League season came to a sudden halt in March 2020 and was officially cancelled just two months later, leaving Earps with little structure and no sense of direction.
A Deep Emotional Wound
Even years later, those close to her could still see how much the snub had hurt.
Her Manchester United manager at the time, Casey Stoney, later revealed that Earps had been “hurt deeply” by the decision.
Before that, Earps had been part of England’s 2019 World Cup squad in France, travelling as Neville’s third-choice goalkeeper after making her debut under Mark Sampson in 2017.
But after the tournament, her career with the Lionesses suddenly stalled.
Struggling to Cope
The rejection hit her confidence hard. In her book, Earps describes how she began to lose control over both her physical and emotional health.
“I was piling on pounds and annihilating my fitness,” she admits.
“That old body-consciousness about being big and bulky came back with an angry vengeance, so I stopped eating as much.
Not eating was also getting me drunk and therefore numbing my feelings quicker.”
For two weeks, she says, she survived on little more than soup and cheap wine, all while feeling her body and self-worth deteriorate.
Facing the Darkness
At her lowest point, Earps confesses she began questioning her own existence.
“For the first time in my life, I wondered if there was any point in me being here any longer,” she writes.
“I don’t believe I was ever going to end it all, but I thought, too many times, about how I could.”
It’s a brutally honest admission — one that reveals the hidden emotional cost of professional sport and the quiet suffering that often follows public disappointment.
Finding Her Way Back
While Earps doesn’t shy away from describing the pain she went through, her story also stands as a reminder of resilience.
After her lowest moments, she slowly began rebuilding her confidence, eventually returning to become one of the most respected goalkeepers in the game and a hero for club and country.
Her book is not just about football, but about finding peace and self-acceptance after hitting rock bottom.
A Message to Anyone Struggling
Mary Earps’s honesty is a powerful reminder that success does not shield anyone from mental health struggles.
Behind every trophy and headline, there’s a person fighting unseen battles.
For anyone feeling the same way she once did, confidential support is available. Call Samaritans on 116 123, visit samaritans.org, or reach out to CALM at www.thecalmzone.net/get-support.